Will the No Contact Rule work to save your marriage and get your husband or wife to come back to you?
Relationship expert Coach Lee answers that question and discusses how the No Contact Rule is different when it is used for a separated marriage.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through before reading this post.
It's important that you understand how to apply the No Contact Rule to a marriage and that there are potential mistakes that could prevent you from stopping your divorce.
Your understanding is key along with the assurance that what you are doing gives you the best chance possible of rescuing your relationship with your husband or wife.
Should I Talk To My Husband or Wife During Separation?
I talk about the No Contact Rule a lot in my videos and in my articles.
It's a powerful tool when used properly to re-attracting someone who thinks they don't want to be romantically involved with you any longer.
It does work with marriages, but it must be modified from what I teach to non-married people.
It can accurately be called the Intelligent Contact Rule when it's applied to separated marriages or those in which one spouse is considering divorce or separation.
The reason that it's different is that married people are in a legal contract with each other and often share property, income, and children.
Therefore, contact will, at least some of the time, have to be initiated by the person being left to discuss these matters as life impacts these things constantly.
This actually works to your advantage because it provides you an opportunity to demonstrate to your husband or wife that you can interact with them without trying to push them to reunite with you.
That's powerful!
The reason is because the more that you push your spouse to reconsider or ask if they have changed feelings, the more that he or she sees you as someone they must defend themselves from, argue with, and with whom they must have awkward conversations.
This will make your fleeing spouse less likely to want to be around you and less likely to reconsider on the separation and/or divorce
It further propels the idea that you are on an opposing side from your husband or wife.
If, however, your spouse sees that you can cooperate with him or her, that you can be pleasant to be around and not push them to reconsider, often times your spouse will lower their guard and soften their heart toward you.
What's more, as you approach challenges that come up with your property, finances, and children, you set up a dynamic of being on the "same side" as your spouse.
Again, this is tremendously powerful in terms of making progress on your spouse reconsidering and in terms of re-attracting them to you.
Your spouse will see no need to run from you.
That's a start, but a powerful one since your spouse would move faster away from you emotionally and often physically in terms of location if they felt that you were constantly pushing him or her to come back or talk about the relationship.
When your spouse is set against you and against the relationship, you waste your time and push them further away by trying to talk them into reconciliation or on working on the marriage.
The No Contact Rule for marriage prevents you from pushing your spouse further away and allows their negative emotions the potential to settle.
It shows that you can respect their wishes and, ironically, that is what can cause those wishes to change.
Should I Ignore My Husband or Wife During Separation?
Some people confuse the No Contact Rule when they are married but separated.
They incorrectly think that no contact means that they should ignore their separated spouse.
This is the last thing that should be done because such rejection can exasperate negative feelings and associations that your spouse has for you.
If your spouse wants a divorce from you, there are likely feelings of hurt, rejection, and of being taken for granted.
Ignoring your husband or wife will only underscore those feelings and could reinforce their reasoning for wanting a divorce.
In their anger to you ignoring them they could say, "This is why I'm divorcing you!"
Ignoring your separated spouse when he or she is reaching out to you not only will create feelings in them of you rejecting them, but will also sabotage the momentum.
What I mean by that is that if you are wanting your husband or wife to start moving toward you, reaching out to you, and warming up to the idea of the two of you getting back together, the last thing you wan to do is stifle the momentum that is demonstrated by him or her reaching out to you.
Respond to your spouse during no contact.
It is a strong sign that their defensiveness felt toward you has lowered some and that is a good sign.
It is as your spouse begins to lower their defenses that you can begin to start the process of re-attracting him or her.
You are most powerful when you do that face-to-face.
Again, if your spouse doesn't think you are going to push, try to guilt them, become emotional, or beg them to change their mind, a face-to-face meeting isn't something they will feel the need to escape.
They will at least be open to it.
So if you need to meet about the children, property, shared finances, etc., it's something that your spouse will have less reservation about if you have demonstrated that you are not pressuring them.
It's nearly impossible to meet with someone in person and only talk about children, property, and shared finances.
This is where inside stories, inside jokes, and even romantic memories can usher you into the next phase of the No Contact Rule for marriage.
This is especially true if your spouse is the one to bring them up.
While the inside stories and inside jokes are something you could casually and subtly bring up, romantic memories are for on down the road or for your spouse to bring up themselves.
But these shared memories and stories pull the two of you together and resurrect some of the intimacy you two once had.
It's also powerful to laugh together.
It's important to see all of this as a process that requires a one-step-at-a-time mentality.
If you rush it or try to move too fast, you can lose the progress that you made.
Once you are well into the phase of this strategy where you two are meeting often and those shared stories are being mentioned - especially by your spouse - you will begin to see potential openings for some discussion about your relationship.
This is to be done carefully and in small steps as well.
For example, after several weeks of meetings, conversations, and a good amount of inside stories, inside jokes, and romantic memories, it's possible in the right moment for you to say something like, "I think we would be good together if I improved xyz."
Whatever an issue your spouse mentioned.
By doing it this way you don't put any pressure on your spouse to answer a question about whether or not he or she would be willing to try again if you improved on "xyz."
It's just a statement that you would say without pressure or expectation for your spouse to say anything.
It's important that you don't become angry or pout if your spouse doesn't say anything after such a statement.
The statement was intended to plant a seed at the right time.
The more aggressive route that I mention in the video is one that you could use a question such as, "What if I improved on xyz? Do you think we could work out?"
This doesn't come without risk, but if you have spent the last several weeks re-attracting your ex, rebuilding some intimacy, and becoming a source of comfort to your spouse, you have some leverage built up.
No matter how they answer, accept it and do your best to keep things casual and light afterwards.
The seeds that are planted can be powerful and can result in you and your spouse getting back together.
Those seeds never could have been planted however without your use of the No Contact Rule for marriage.
Most people try to push to early, too strongly, and end up training their spouse to avoid and fight them.
Using this modified form of no contact can welcome your husband or wife back rather than push them away from you.
For more on how this works, watch the video above all the way through to ensure that you fully understand how this can work to get your husband or wife back.
More detailed guidance is provided in my Emergency Marriage Kit, if you have received the news that your spouse wants a divorce. That kit is exceptionally powerful for married couples in danger of separation or divorce.
I truly wish you the best.
-Coach Lee
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